50 Shades of Hate

I'm 50 Shades of bored with this, which is another word for grey

                  As soon as my mother told me about how great 50 Shades of Grey was I immediately disliked it (sorry but she has little taste). But it feels wrong to dislike something based on other's opinions so I looked up (I refused to waste my time reading it when I had 30 other books to finish reading). Needless to say I have good reason to have a strong dislike for... well everything about the story. Here's why:

Jamie's face is all: "What the hell did I agree to?"

          
           1.) The Characters are horrible: As a writer or an aspiring writer I try my best to make my characters interesting and relatable. Yet the characters of 50 Shades of Grey? Oh God... there is no depth to them. Christian is more controlling and not as kinky as the writer tried to make him out to be. Anastasia? I feel like the name Anastasia Steele should belong to a stronger female character that's less pitiful. Anastasia is along for the ride and don't get me wrong, being a submissive is not a thing that should earn a woman shame from feminists but for Anastasia she seems nothing but submissive. Or sometimes she's the adult in the relationship but then totally caves; once she becomes pregnant then Christian (who's so insecure and infantile) tells her to get an abortion because he's afraid she'll love the baby more than him. Are you kidding me? Anastasia should dropped his ass and that be the end of it. She would have come out as a stronger person but instead she goes back to him and he suddenly changes. No. Unbelievable. Would never happen in real life.

I don't know what's more shocking: That this is an actual quote
from the book or film or even an actual fact.

          2.) It started out as a Twilight fan fiction: Of course! No wonder the characters are awful. Bella Swan insults my gender by being so hung up on some bony, pale emo that she tries killing herself over and over just to see his ghost when there's a perfectly tan, hot set of muscles right there to comfort her! The heroine Anastasia Steele feels just as pathetic with unreal expectations that she can change her brooding, dysfunctional man.

Yeah shouldn't we establish a safe word first?

         3.) It's NOT a love story: Though it masquerades itself pretty well as a love story it's NOT. Feminists say that it's more a picture of abuse than love. I agree.

Yes, Dakota, we all feel the chill between
you two

         4.) The lead actors have no chemistry: I don't want to cast aspersions on Dakota Johnson or Jamie Dornan but they have absolutely zero chemistry. There's no heat and I know that they're actors and this is a business but actors have to at least like each other to project some kind of spark. Even though there are stories of some acting co stars who despise each other but still give a good performance (ex: Lucille Ball and her co star who played Ethel loathed each other in real life) between Dakota and Jamie I get absolutely nothing. I'll chalk that up to them probably being very uncomfortable. Hell it's intimidating enough to get the courage to get in front of a camera and act your heart out but then you have material like this? I'll give the actors a pass but I expect them to do better on different projects in the future because I see real possibilities in both of them. 

No one cares about your inner goddess;
that makes less sense than what's happening right now

        5.) The BDSM community is NOT happy: Before it went mainstream, the kinky sex community of BDSM was sort of a dirty little mystery. What we got from it was there is pain mixed with pleasure. Yeah that's some of it but then there are outsiders who see it as perverted and that people who are into it are dysfunctional, mentally, emotionally disturbed people, which is FAR from the truth. To learn more about the community or to at least get the REAL story follow this link to an article on Buzzfeed. That being said, the community feels wrongly represented in the film. I completely agree. What I've researched I got that it's more about trust than anything. If you're going to write about something do ALL your research and not what you think it's about. 

This was rated R? Why? I've seen PG-13 films
more explicit than this

       6.) The only reason it's popular is because there's sex in it: Before there was the internet where you could easily access porn, there were movies and from the 80s to the 90s where you'll see your favorite actors in their acting prime in lurid, hot steamy sex scenes. But then the internet came so studios didn't feel the need to put sex scenes in a film aside from a half naked actress or two between explosions, gun fire, and car chases. Which brings me back to the no chemistry thing; sex scenes are already uncomfortable for the people involved but if it's in your contract it's best to smile your way through it. You should at least know your on screen partner well enough off screen that you can make each other feel less awkward while filming to project some sense of warmth. And you're not naked the whole time. If the camera is only filming from the waist up then actors can wear underwear and actresses can use the sheets to cover their upstairs. But from what I've seen Dakota and Jamie are mechanical. They put on a good show but they don't give any illusion of affection between their characters. 

Was staring out the window so consuming that he had to make
a girl wait? Dick

         Probably the only nice thing I can say about the film or the book of 50 Shades of Grey, is the album. That cover of Beyoncé's song "Crazy In Love" is stuck in my head and it's the sexy, steamy romance that the story should have been. The album's songs are the only redeemable things for the film itself. Otherwise this franchise is another failure artistically. Notice I never insulted E.L. James (except for maybe her lack of research into her subject) it's because as a writer myself I admit that the publishing business is almost impossible to make it big in. I'm glad that E.L. James and Stephanie Meyer have made money off of their projects but I wish if they ever write another book that they try for deeper stuff. It may not make a movie franchise but I feel it would earn them more respect overall.